I 'm going to be absolutely honest with you guys, the last two weeks have not been great and I am angry. I'm angry at God, I'm angry at myself, I'm angry at my family and most of all I'm angry at the injustice this world serves on a platter. Things have not been going well with me and all I can do is stare at the world in disbelief as my life roller coasters into absolute chaos and instability. Things that were so menial have now become gigantic obstacles that need to be overcome and the destruction left in the wake of hate and unfairness has left me with a certain and irreparable distrust of human kind.
I drove home that Friday, completely shattered & broken.
I was hurting beyond any hurt that I had ever experienced. Shortly after I arrived home I switched my phone off & the world. I stayed awake for over 24 hours that night, unable to close my eyes, as the pain rolled through my veins and the ache in my heart ceased to dissipate. I felt completely and utterly defeated & worthless & the tears refused to stop rolling down my face no matter how hard I willed it to stop. I just couldn't stop crying, the pain originating from deep inside me now a wound open and on public display.
For the first time in years suicide seemed like a viable option to escape the dread of living in a hell made manifest. How am I going to survive?
On Friday the suicidal thoughts kept me in bed and I did not move from it till Saturday afternoon. By Saturday afternoon I had picked up a steak knife and was contemplating where I should stab myself or if cutting my wrists would be easier. By Sunday I slept. By Monday I switched my phone back on and by Tuesday I was back in hell.
By Friday the next week anger had started to set in fast and hard and it settled comfortably in my heart & mind. I was livid. You said you'd never abandon me or forsake me, so where were you? What am I going to to do now? How am I going to live? I needed you and you were just absent. So you know what? Screw you, I'm tiered of praying & hoping and regardless of my faith have my life destroyed anyway. I'm done, leave me alone!
I would hear the plea and the call of my name and I would just turn away from it. I would scream at God: "you have done enough damage, leave me alone!" I would hear the plea over and over again until I willed silence into my mind. I would repeat to myself over and over again: " I'm done. There's nothing left."
Then one more thing happened, as if the worst thing ever to happen to me wasn't bad enough. I was now forced to walk to my company of employ, like a walk of shame, proof that my life had now officially skirted to the edge and was now plunging into the abyss. I had now also started to believe the words uttered to me over the last 2 years, I had never in my life felt so humiliated.
I was said a number of charges & offences as if the last 15 years of sacrifice to my trade was nothing, mere scribbling on a piece of paper.
I am a bad person, I give bad service, I'm not a people's person, I am not a leader, I irritate and chafe people's skins and the mere uttering of my name turn clients in the other direction, I give 1 star service, I am a cancer & I have mental health issues.
All of the words a slap in my face and words that I have now started to believe. The pain I live with everyday, I have to face the people who have said these things to my face and behind my back on a weekly basis and the pain will not subside as I am in the presence of my tormentors every week like clock work. A reminder of my failure, my inadequacies, reaffirming that I am not good enough not even for my job.
This week I heard the pleas again and then a firm voice saying: Grace known, cannot be unknown.
Meaning: Because I know what Grace is, I cannot refuse it or rebuke it because Grace is a gift. And a gift once accepted cannot be
returned.
This is going to be a long road for me. I need to forgive a few people and let go of anger. Most of all I need to confront the emotions that have manifested in me in the last few weeks. Emotions of utter helplessness and defeat and depression. I need to confront myself and re-evaluate the way I think about people and about myself when in difficult situations like I am now.
It's not that I don't believe, it's that I've received one hell of a knock in life this year and it's going to be difficult not to come out of this unchanged. For me now all I see is an unending crisis and I am in for the fight of my life. My friends & family mean well but to be honest I'd rather be alone than be a burden. The less you know, the better. I love that you all show up at my home and surprise and spoil me, but the thing is, when you are gone my situation is still the same, unchanged and I remain in a situation of insecurity and instability and right now it's not going to change. Employment is difficult to come by and trust me I have been looking for over 6 months now. Right now my reality is bleak and my hopes and dreams are broken pieces of glass. I'm not saying that I won't get through it eventually, I will, just be reminded that when you go home you go home to your families, when I go home, I go home to a dog and an empty flat.
Please note: This is not a cry for help, this is merely a platform to express my frustrations with my current situation.
Depression & Suicide are very real issues that need to be addressed. If you are suicidal please seek help. Don't do it.
Till next time.
T