The fire still burns brightly, painfully, consuming my mind and my heart and every part of me that can feel emotional pain.I'm on the precipice of losing my mind and barely holding on by a thread. I have not been through a storm, I've been through a raging fire and I've barely stepped out of it. I can still feel the raging flames lick at my back as if to taunt me that I might end up back there. In the middle of the searing core of that fire.
I'm afraid. I don't trust the silence. I don't trust my surroundings. I still see the knife of betrayal aimed at me. I still see the finger of judgement aimed at me and the knives of gossip & lies whispering as truth tries to defend me. I am afraid. It. Will. Happen. Again.
I don't know how to begin to internalize the turmoil in me and not carry the pain over into this new environment. I am so afraid of the same thing happening to me that I fear what the outcome may be next. It's not a way to live I know. At this point I crave peace. I want a peaceful life with no conflict around me and no jealousy or hatred. I'm over the fighting and over being scared of what people might or might not do to me. I feel inadequate and unable to return to the person I once was. Care - free has left the building.
I don't know how to return back there, all I do these days is concern myself with protecting myself. Bringing a feeling of inadequacy & weight with me where ever I go. I don't know how to tell people what I have been through and how to even overcome it. All I know is I don't want to go back there ever again. I want peace. I crave it. I want a life that is not surrounded in fear of how my behavior may influence the outcome of my life.
All my life, all I have tried to do is live a honest life and it looks like that has been the main cause of my distress. I don't like oppression and submissiveness. I wasn't raised to bow down, I was raised to stand up for what is right and to take ownership of your faults. I don't know any other way. I don't know how to not be that way.
I have served people for a long time now and the uncertainty of human behavior has led me down very dark paths and outcomes. To serve is to give up a part of yourself for someone else, but at what cost? With the demands of the modern age and the never ending cease in technological advances how do we treat each other and behave toward other human beings? Not all things are immediate. Not all advances are an advantage to the human race. Kindness and human decency has been lost in the era of immediate service and a platform to voice immediate complaints at the cost of an employees relied on income. Is your need really worth someone's income? Is your desire to reach the most followers really a benefit to society? Are you influencing a better tomorrow or are your destroying someone's life for your own gain?
I have seen a world at war with itself in the middle of a service rush as everyone demands attention and no one breathes an air of kindness. I have seen one human being mistreat another over and over as they judge them and point them into insignificance. Life is tragic and we are all fools. Life is not free and it is not long.
It is s h o r t
It's a breeze of a wind blowing through your window at night and then... It is gone.
We treat each other like assets and liabilities on an accountants book keeping sheet. We don't treat each other with dignity and respect. We enjoy the smell of conflict in the air and pull our noses at peace. We laugh at those who serve because we don't understand what sacrifice means. We hate war but start them easily and then deny the truth when faced with it. Who are we as a people? As a human race? What have we become, but souls in skins wishing ill on others but not ourselves? I don't know this world and I don't know this way of life. I don't know how to live in it. I don't know how to even to begin to understand it.
How do I even start?